Read Between the Lines
by crazykitsune17
Summary: One shot. Riza x Ed. You know you like it. A series of letters between lovers gets confiscated... and Roy is not happy... Read and review, please! Rated for language and a bit of sexual content.


A/N: I love this pairing. Come on, people, you gotta admit, it's amusing! Hope you guys like it!

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Disclaimer: Cheese curds are yummy. **I** wish I had one, but sorrowfully I **don't.** It is with deepest regret that I admit I do not **own**any yummy cheese curds. Why, cheese curds, have you **f**orsaken **m**e! **A**m I not good enough for you! HUH?

Hint: Read the bold words.

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**1. Read Between the Lines**

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Dear Edward,

Last night was fun. We should do things like this more often. I enjoy getting to know this side of you, and it makes me sad that I never did so with others in my youth. It's like I can live through you, Edward. I can finally experience joy. Thank you, Edward. I'll see you again soon.

Love,

Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye

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Riza—

Hey I got your letter. Thanks. I'm glad your finaly happy. Its always bothered me how uptight you looked – especialy around Mustang. He's such a jerk. Someday we should tear apart his office and let a cat pee all over it or something. It might loose us our jobs but it'd so be worth it just to see the look on Colonel Asswipe's face if we did it.

Anyway yeah the other day was great. Just the two of us. I didn't know you were into canoeing. And… thanks for saving me from drowning when I fell out of the canoe. It was pretty funny though. Your hair was all messed up when we got out of the water. We should try canoeing again soon. But bring along some food or something. There's nothing to eat along the river. Make some of that… meat and noodles… thing… that I had the last time I was over at your house. It was really good. Now I'm hungry…

I'll see ya later

I luv u

—Ed

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Dear Edward,

It's called "spaghetti", Edward. It's Italian.

Now I have sure proof that you and I are really meant to be together. It's as if you read my mind. I've been wanting to call Colonel Mustang "Colonel Asswipe" for the longest time. Ever since I met the pig, the only thing that came to my mind was "What an ass…" Now that you mention it, his face kind of looks like an ass. How fitting.

I tried making spaghetti for Colonel Asswipe once back when I was trying to get on his good side. He didn't like my cooking. More proof I work with a total asshole. It would also be fun to dump spaghetti sauce down his pants and stain the item he puts so much damn pride in. You first, Edward. The last place I want to put my hands is on his pants.

I love you too, Edward.

Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye

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Riza—

Ha. You wish I would pour spagetty sauce down Asswipe's pants. That's just disgusting. But seriously, though, we should both get some revenge. He's a jerk to both of us, and we have to do something about it. Do you think he's afraid of spiders? We could put a shitload of spiders in his desk drawer…

Riza, when r we gonna get together again? I know it's hard with our jobs but I haven't seen you in about a weak. I miss you. Also it's getting hard to deliver these letters. Colonel Asswipe is starting to get suspicious whenever I go and deliver massages to your room. Ya think he's onto something? Maybe we should destroy the evidense…

i luv u

—Ed

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Dear Ed,

I know it has been far too long. We never get any missions together. I understand that your first priority is the Philosopher's Stone, but is it really that important that you value it over seeing me and all of your friends? You're becoming detached, Ed. I'm worried about you. At least you still have your sense of humor about Colonel Asswipe. And I don't think he's afraid of spiders. Or if he is, he'll hide it well, being the big, pompous jerk that he is.

I think the only thing that will scare him is you in a miniskirt.

I miss you too, Ed, and I would never destroy the so-called "evidence" of our love for each other. I don't care if Colonel Asswipe is getting suspicious. I hope he finds out. Then maybe he can know how much of a jerk he is and leave the military… But that's wishful thinking.

Love you always,

Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye

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Riza—

You know I want me and Al's real bodies back more than anything, Riza. It upsets me as much as you that we're apart from each other all the time. But I'm staying around Central for an entire week now! I can see you every day insted of just the times I deliver my letters to you.

Ha. That would be great if Colonel Asswipe actually found these. Maybe that would put a big permanent dent in his big fat head!

And Riza… is the thought of me in a miniskirt actually meant to scare Colonel Asswipe, or is it your own weird way of trying to get me naked for you?

i luv u

—Ed

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Dear Ed,

No, I'm not trying to get you naked. Not right now. We'll wait a while before we get to that. You're still too young. That's the disadvantage of being engaged (hint) to an old woman like me.

Speaking of engagement… would you consider it? I know we've only been together for so long, but I do love you, Ed, honestly I do. And I can only hope that you feel the same way about me as I feel about you.

I love you.

Riza Hawkeye

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Dear Edward,

Ed? U havent answered my question. I haven't seen u in a while. Did u even get my letter because I aksed u something important! Please seee me Edward. I half to know if u love me. Edward just talk 2 me.

I luv u

Luietenant Riza Hawkeye

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Roy Mustang, furious and livid, slammed the entire stack of letters down upon his desk, making its contents rattle. A dancing hula girl paper weight said sayonara to the surface and plunged into the ocean of carpet. Roy's – or "Colonel Asswipe"'s – face was beet red, at least three veins pulsing in his bloated temples. Both Riza and Ed sat in front of him, heads down, trying not to laugh.

"What the hell is this?" shouted Roy, grabbing the letter at the top of the stack and crumpling it angrily in his fist. "What… the… hell?"

For the past twenty minutes, Roy had been saying nothing but "What the hell?", "What the fuck?", "Goddamn it!" or any various combinations of these three phrases. Riza and Ed had been called in to his office thirty minutes ago, both nervous and apprehensive. They had an awful feeling they knew what this was about; but their anxiety quickly turned to stifled laughter as they sat directly across from Roy for the first ten minutes of their meeting, just watching his face turn steadily redder and redder as he reread the pile of letters on his desk.

Then he had begun the cursing. It was going on eleven o'clock in the morning now, and Roy showed no signs of releasing them. It was about this time when Riza and Ed started to get bored.

"Colonel Ass—I mean, Mustang," said Riza, blushing at her screw-up. "Sir, you… wanted to see us?"

"Like hell I wanted to see you!" spat Mustang, literally. Ed ducked the line of spit-fire, but it was unnecessary; it wouldn't have hit him anyway at his height. "What the fuck is all this about?" He shoved one of the letters in Riza's face.

Riza took it, showing her teeth a little as she giggled slightly to herself. "Colonel Mustang, can we not send letters to each other, or is that suddenly against the law?"

"Besides, who are you, going through our stuff like that, huh?" cried Ed, bolting up out of his seat and glaring Mustang in the eye.

"Sit down, pipsqueak!" seethed Roy, giving Ed a glare to rival his – only much more terrifying. It actually made Ed obey and sit down with no complaints about the insult. "Sending such letters to each other is fine, but when you are insulting someone _who ranks higher than you_…" He glared at Riza. "Then it is unacceptable and therefore the military's responsibility to deal with it."

"Yeah, but you were still going through our stuff," mumbled Ed, sulking in his seat.

"Well, FullMetal, if your room here wasn't so damn messy, I wouldn't be in there cleaning all the spiders out of the closet – which, by the way, I am not afraid of," replied Mustang matter-of-factly.

"It's my room! I can make it as messy or as clean as I want it!" cried Ed, standing up again.

"For the last time, FullMetal, _sit down_ before I burn you alive!" Roy showed Ed his right-hand glove with the symbol on it, as if a reminder that he was the famous Flame Alchemist. Ed needed no reminder. He sat down – more slowly, though, this time.

"FullMetal, when the room is starting to smell like dead bodies and makes Second Lieutenant Havoc pass out every time he walks past it, it is my duty to step in and clean it."

"Fuck you. It doesn't smell like dead bodies…"

Roy cleared his throat and took his own seat behind his desk. "Anyway, FullMetal, Hawkeye, I found these letters of yours rather insulting. 'Colonel _Asswipe_' is what I believe you referred to me as. You have mentioned pouring spaghetti sauce down my pants, putting spiders in my desk, having cats pee on my walls, an dressing FullMetal in a miniskirt. Is there anything you have to say for yourselves?"

Riza put the crumpled letter Roy had given her up past her mouth to hide her grin. Ed was just staring at the Colonel with a dumb look on his face, unsure for once, of what to say. He could say "Well, it's true", but where would that get him…? He pondered this silently for a moment. Mustang seemed to be waiting for their response.

"Well? Aren't you going to apologize?"

More silence…

It was then that Ed noticed one of the letters sticking out of Mustang's pile. It was one he had never seen before – Riza had misspelled "lieutenant" and signed off with the phrase "I luv u". Riza always had flawless spelling and never bothered herself with what Ed called "shorthand" writing. Ed leapt up and grabbed it.

Mustang was about to tell him he had some nerve, but Ed beat him to speaking. He turned to Riza and looked at her with big, questioning golden eyes. He seemed to forget that Mustang was in the room and that they were supposed to be in big-time trouble.

"What was it that you wanted to ask me?" he questioned. "I never got your last letter…"

Riza lowered the paper from her lips and faced Ed, her eyes completely serious. She didn't stop to think of what anyone – especially not Colonel Roy Asswipe Mustang – would think of her; she spoke mechanically, automatically, yet her voice full of emotion.

"Ed… I asked you if you would marry me."

Ed said yes.

Mustang's jaw dropped. He couldn't believe what was just going on – in _his_ office, no less! His office was a place for chewing out those who have done wrong – FullMetal and Hawkeye - _not_ for proposing!

And then Ed and Riza kissed. That was it. Roy pulled out a chunk of his hair, lit the wall on fire, and watched it burn.

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--crazykitsune17-- 


End file.
